As you, my loyal readers, know, I enjoy a little poetry with my food, along with good company. Poems provide inspiration that takes mundane cooking to a higher level. And cooking from scratch, using the freshest ingredients, is therapy for me and almost becomes a spiritual experience.
But there is also room for laughter when you are surrounded by food, family and friends. During my restaurant career, it was the ingredient that helped me face some tough days and nights. So I am going to devote this column to some humorous excerpts that I have collected over the years. Enjoy a little laughter with me and we will get back to some summer recipes next column.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain
I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. — W.C. Fields
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. — Woody Allen
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. — Yogi Berra
The Italians were eating with forks when the French were still eating each other. — Mario Batali
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you are hungry again. — George Miller
Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French; sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek; soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good. — Alice May Brock
Fish, to taste right, must swim three times — in water, in butter and in wine. — Polish proverb
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. — Doug Larson
Food without wine is a corpse; wine without food is a ghost; united and well matched they are as body and soul, living partners. — Andre Simon
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. — Robert Frost
Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don’t eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on. — George Bernard Shaw
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. — Mark Twain
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. — Calvin Trillin
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. — unknown
The recipe: a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog wouldn’t eat. — unknown
Condensed milk is wonderful but I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. — unknown
Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid and, eventually, gas. — unknown
The bagel, an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis. — unknown
We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink, for dining alone is leading the life of a lion or wolf. — Epicurus
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. — Samuel Butler
We didn’t starve, but we didn’t eat chicken unless we were sick, or the chicken was. — Bernard Malamud
Stressed is desserts spelled backwards. — unknown
My mother was a good recreational cook, but what she basically believed about cooking was that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. — Nora Ephron
My hearse will be followed not by mourning coaches but by herds of oxen, sheep, swine, flocks of poultry and a small aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarves in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures. — George Bernard Shaw
Never eat more than you can lift. — Miss Piggy
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot it turns to wine, something Brussels sprouts never do. — P.J. O’Rourke
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. — George Bernard Shaw
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. — Dave Barry
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. — Orson Welles
McDonald’s “Breakfast for Under a Dollar”actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery. — George Carlin
Promises and pie crust are made to be broken. — Jonathan Swift
Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal. — Voltaire
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is bacteria. — David Auerbach
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. — Jim Davis
Your stomach shouldn’t be a waist basket. — unknown
I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. — Erma Bombeck
I can’t cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer. — Carol Siskind
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. — Buddy Hackett
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. — unknown
The table is a meeting place, a gathering ground, the source of sustenance and nourishment, festivity, safety and satisfaction. A person cooking is a person giving; even the simplest food is a gift. — Laurie Colwin